What's in a name - Part II

Twenty seven days to go and I'm not panicking quite so much now. I've just been on Amazon and believe it or not there are thousands of How to Granny books out there, Canny Granny, Not all Grannies Knit, The Good Granny Companion, to name but three. Problem is, having browsed a few (with that clever facility Amazon provides to look at a selection of pages before purchase) it has become quite clear that what I definitely don't need is some pompous old Granny know-it-all telling me that I should keep my button box topped up, or my darning mushroom handy. In the sudden onslaught of Oh-God-I'm-going-to-be-a-useless-Granny panic, I'd forgotten how much I loathe all that smug-aren't-we-wonderful self-help drivel.

Canny Granny On How to be a the Favorite Grandparent, recommends I buy 'thoughtful gifts that resonate'. So I'll be off to the thoughtful resonating gift shop first thing in the morning.

And Jane Firmly-Withoutwitsatall (changed the name in the interests of anonymity) tells me in her Good Granny Guide, - how to be a modern Grandmother, that beautiful well made equipment makes a game more pleasurable. Modern, my elbow! Jaunty Jane, incidentally mother of Hugh Firmly-Withoutwitsatall, the TV chef who transmits his eco self sustaining recycled programme via bat radar from his cottage in the river and only uses organic ingredients like bottled badger balls and beetroot compost, is in my opinion, quite clearly off her head. Not least because the beautiful equipment she is talking about is a set hand-crafted ivory dominoes in their own beautifully carved box.

Now where did I put those antique gold embossed ones I had hanging around the place? Think Jane ought to join Hugh down at the cottage for a bit of a break and a nice rat rissole supper.

Yet another Granny book tells me there are 5 distinct types of Grandparents. See, all this Granny data is being collected that I knew nothing about and it must be true because SAGA said so: (I must find out what SAGA stands for - Sad Ancient Grannies Assoc. perhaps?)

1. Racy Role Models 37% = 5 million

These are younger( younger than who?) have a diverse social life, flirt, dance & like the occasional tipple. (Dancing, flirting, drunken old people too cringe-making for words, even if they are younger than other old people.)

2. Adventure Seekers 19.5% = 2.5 million

These are more affluent (more affluent than who?) hectic travellers, predominantly female, charity workers & still with time for grandchildren. Smart and stylish. (I'm not more affluent than anybody, could do smart and stylish but fall down on the charity bit)

3. Traditionalists 31.2% = 4 million

Often older (all together now - older than who?) Less active, limited range of pastimes, contribute less to childcare. (This lot is a bit of a depressing bunch, don't want to be one of these)

4. Hearts of Gold 6.3% = 0.75 million

Kind, friendly, lots of time for grandchildren. Sociable but not likely to seek out new experiences. (Not too keen on this lot either. Never really seen myself as a Hearts of Gold type of person, even at my best.)

5. Quiet Reminiscers 6% = 0.75 million

Smallest group - mainly men. Not active, don't spend much time with grandchildren. Don't socialise much, not many hobbies. (Grumpy old blokes - typical.)

I've almost lost the will to live after such depressing research. What a load of tripe. But for the sake of George my unborn grandchild, and my beautiful daughter A., bless her, I shall press on to the end (nearly down to twenty six days now). The perfect role model is out there somewhere, and the perfect name!!!

PS. If any of my offspring, family or friends, work out the identity of this blogger and think it might be fun to buy me a book that has Granny anywhere in the title, just don't. Because I won't be in the least amused and I shall throw it straight into the bin. XX